With the slightest attempt to conquer the right to my life, on personal space, I encounter resentment, misunderstanding and rejection of my point of view. This applies directly to my parents. Mom still somehow tries to understand everything, but without reproaches does not do. In her opinion, at 31 I should already have a family, child, husband, but “I do not want anything and lazy, so nothing happens”.
This is despite the fact that I work, I have an apartment, I am independent, I can provide myself. But parents stubbornly want to take part in my life. We work with dad at the same work, he often stays to spend the night with me, and when this happens, I suffer, I have the feeling that I have invaded my life.
I am offended by parents. If they tried to listen or at least understood me, then perhaps they would not go into my life.
Recently, I can hardly restrain myself so as not to just explode and not to express it all in person. I really want to peacefully resolve this quiet conflict of generations. Design the boundaries. I don’t know what to do next. I already want them to live for myself, and I – for myself.
Ksenia, it is already very important that you see the situation and understand that you need to change something. Do I understand that the main thing that stops you in solving this issue is anxiety for the reaction of your parents and their emotions? But look what you are doing with you: worrying about their emotions, you ignore your. And thus exacerbating the situation.
You copy the negativity in yourself, thus destroying relations with your parents. The emotions that we accumulate in ourselves and which do not have a way out, sooner or later we are overwhelmed. There is an explosion,
the consequences of which can be unpredictable.
Unfortunately, any separation is akin to cutting the umbilical cord: it is always painful. And the stronger this umbilical cord “grows”, the more painful it is to cut it. Definitely, at 21, this is easier to do than in 31. Therefore, the sooner you begin to solve the problem, the better.
By the way, it often happens that young people cannot get their own family precisely because they cannot leave their parental. To solve this issue, it is necessary to overcome what you are so afraid of – the reaction of your parents and their emotions. Therefore, it is very important to understand where your emotions are, and where are the emotions of the parents, to divide them.
The emotions of parents are their responsibility. And cope with them is the task of your parents, not your. You need to treat your emotions with respect. Hear and accept them. And even better – learn to voice them a little. Tell my parents: “I am offended. “,” It hurts me. “, “I am angry. When you say so or do it “.
Also, to accelerate the separation process, it is necessary to determine your boundaries. While these borders are not felt between you and your parents. They perceive you as part of themselves, they decide what is good for you and what is bad, and perhaps they try to live your life to some extent. And you need to understand where their idea of your life ends, and where your life begins directly.
Remember that your life is where you are responsible for your every decision and for the consequences of these decisions. Determine for yourself: in what part of your life you are ready to let your parents, and in which – no. Perhaps, for example, it makes sense for you to think about a change of work, so as not to be under the constant control of the pope and thus close the issue with overnight stays?
But you also must definitely find the strength to voice your parents what does not suit you. Say about your borders. When mom begins to tell you that, in her opinion, you need to do it, just answer: “Mom, this is my zone of responsibility, and only I can decide what to do. If I need your advice, I will definitely turn to you “.
I understand, at first it is very scary and uncomfortable. But any growth is a way out of the comfort zone, otherwise changes are impossible. It seems to us that parents will not survive such an answer. But, I assure you, somewhere deep down they are waiting for you when you finally mature and can declare them about your borders. Then they will finally be able to exhale and say: “Thank God, the child grew up! You can let go into adulthood “.
And remember, this step is not necessary at all in order to destroy your relationship with your parents, on the contrary, to transfer them to a qualitatively new level. Make them equal, trusting, free from negativity, underfires and suppressed emotions. I’m sure you will succeed! Good luck!
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