“We will not draw up a relationship in six months, it’s all over between us,” lovers like to threaten the chosen ones. Sometimes hard phrases lead to parting, and sometimes they work. But you really want to start a family life with this? We figure out why people put forward categorical requirements and how to explain to the partner what you want.
In 2017, Mark made an offer, they were together for 7 years, recently changed her, and then quit her. But they did not stop talking, because the next month they planned a big journey. A few days before leaving, Mark for no reason raised the question of the wedding and demanded: we go down the aisle or stop communication. She replied that she should think, especially taking into account the problems in the relationship.
“It seemed to me that he was put me to the wall. I began to sob every time I was left alone. He gave two options for choosing: to marry him or break off relations, and we were friends, he was the best friend for me for 20 years “.
For several months they tried to establish relations, but parted, because Mark began to control it more and more. Of course, the requirements “marry or part!»Do not always look like an attempt to manipulate feelings. Some are unhappy that relations are not developing, and it seems to them that this is the only remaining way out (this is not so!). Some do not have communication skills and do not know how to explain what they want.
“Usually they do not lead to anything good, but each situation is unique,” says Samantha’s psychologist Rodman.
Why some put forward such requirements for marriage?
Those who do this, often just try to achieve attention from their needs to their needs. They want to officially formalize the relationship, and the partner cannot decide, he needs more time. But the unsuccessful solution that they find only creates new problems. “I think they understand that it is difficult for a partner to decide on such a step, and are ready to give him time for thought. But they want him to respect their desires and needs, so they set a deadline, ”says psychologist Ryan Haus.
The specialist believes that they may subconsciously have another reason. In fact, a person tries to relieve himself of responsibility for making a decision, transferring it to a partner.
“They want the partner to decide whether to make an offer or not, because they themselves did not deal with feelings about the relationship,” Haus says. In other words, this arises due to uncertainty and serves as a way to relieve itself of responsibility.
“A confident person knows what he wants, and is able to ask for it. This is a more risky option, it requires internal power “.
“Want to get married/marry? Why not say about this to the partner and ask what he or she wants? If the partner responds with a refusal or says that he is not ready to decide now, you will have a choice: to leave or stay, knowing that the proposal can come in six months or never at all. You want to wait? Then wait, since they made such a decision. Want to leave and find someone more decisive? Go away. Trying to force your partner to decide for you, you are showing weakness and indecision, ”Haus explains.
Why are the ultimatums do not work or work poorly
“Nobody likes threats. Nevertheless, if you protect your interests and demonstrate intentions, for example, if you want to marry up to 30, share your feelings with a partner, ”says Samantha Rodman. And if he refuses refusal? “Be prepared to leave,” says Rodman, “do not bluff and do not use the requirements as manipulation tactics”.
According to Ryan Haus, if it seems to you that this is the only way out, this is an alarming sign. Marriage life will require constant decision -making, discussions, debates and compromises. This is not the last serious decision to make.
“If you use such techniques at the beginning of the relationship that it will happen if there are disagreements because of children, career, finance, methods of education, savings, wills and other things? Perhaps it will be better to first learn to listen and understand each other, and not to start relations with the struggle for power, ”says Haus.
There is a big difference between concern for their needs and needs for relations and nomination of requirements. No one offers to refuse what is important to you, in this case, from marriage. The question is how you will express these needs. “If you are ready to break the relationship if the partner does not agree to the marriage, it will be honest to tell him about this. The ultimatum should not be a bluff or an empty threat, ”says Samantha Rodman.
If the partner eventually makes an offer, he may have a hidden resentment. Nobody loves when they drive. Some Camanth’s clients Rodman told her that they did this and then regretted it.
What can be replaced?
Start the conversation directly and openly. Explain your position: “I want an engagement up to 33 years old, I do not want to give birth to children until I am married”. Ask a partner what he thinks. Listen to the answer and decide whether you are ready to wait or it’s time to move on. “I think it will be enough to say:“ I want us to get married, and you?”Says Ryan Haus. – Having learned the answer, you can make a decision. Expecting the other to solve your fate, you feel your own powerlessness “.
It’s time to stop dreaming of a fabulous spontaneous sentence. Before thinking about engagement, you need to discuss in detail the prospects of life together. If you or your partner have doubts about a future relationship, contact a family psychologist who will help to realize and express feelings. “It is always better when the proposal is a formal occasion for the holiday, and all aspects of the future future spouses discussed in advance,” says Haus.
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